Why Giving Your Commitment-Phobic Man The “Ultimatum” Is Relationship Suicide


If you’ve been dating your man for some time and are ready for him to finally give you that ring that says “Please be mine forever,” but for some reason he can’t seem to take that next step, you’re probably feeling quite frustrated and even confused.

Especially if you’ve been waiting for more than a year or two for him to finally pop the question; that feeling of desperation starts to take effect. This is where you must be careful. Desperation can lead to irrational behaviors such as giving ultimatums or threats. This is quite common for women who so badly want to be engaged to their boyfriends.

So why are ultimatums a bad idea?

Ultimatums are a bad idea when you are still willing to do whatever it takes to keep the relationship moving forward. This is not a strategy to be thrown in with all the others while there is still hope. An ultimatum is just a glorified word for “threat.”

When guys feel threatened, it is their naturally response to become defensive. There is a part of our brain (known as the amygdala) that triggers the “fight, flight, or freeze” response whenever we feel threatened. Usually this type of reaction occurs when a person feels “cornered” and the survival instinct kicks in. (There is also a common term called “emotional hi-jacking” that occurs whenever this defense mechanism in the brain is triggered. This is why some guys can lose their temper and say harsh things they don’t really mean, and then 5 minutes later apologize and say they didn’t mean it.)

The reason I want you to understand a little about how his brain works is because you need to understand how and why he may react the way he might when you tell him it’s either “now or never.” Giving the ultimatum may have its time and place eventually, but you should only resort to that extreme measure when and if the time calls for it.

When should you give the ultimatum?

You are only ready to give the ultimatum when you are ready to accept the outcome, no matter what the outcome may be. Do NOT give the ultimatum if you are not ready to act on your boyfriend’s response. The worst thing you can do is give him an ultimatum and not follow through with it. If you stay in the relationship after he says “never,” then you just lost all credibility and leverage in the relationship and your chances of getting him to commit to you have diminished even further.

If you take anything from this article, please heed my warning when I tell you that ultimatums are only for those who are prepared to pack their bags and walk away.

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